| |
[Jun. 30th, 2008|10:59 pm] |
so vegas was a good time.
for the most part lol
i got the fling out of my system but it left me wanting something else. im not sure with him but in general.
so as of a little less than 2 hours ago dan is a father. his little girl is ADORABLE. i am still feeling weird about the whole thing since he waited so long to tell me but i am so excited for him.
i was planning on visiting him this weekend but thats not going to happen since the baby came early.
crazy.
luke moves in 7 days and i am SO excited. i cant wait until the day i dont have to worry about running into him and people stop asking me about him. it will make my life a hell of a lot easier.
meanwhile the general consensus seems to be that someone is cheating on his girlfriend. hmmmm.
i met a cute lawyer that i've been talking to lately.
things are insane but nice.
im getting antsy for africa and its still a ways away. i cant wait to just live there and move along with life. can not wait. the end. |
|
|
| ill never understand... |
[Apr. 27th, 2008|12:48 pm] |
So my grandma died last weekend.
All of my cousins came in from out of town.
My cousin brittney lives in mississippi and drove here with her boyfriend.
They stayed at her moms for the weekend and started to drive back this morning.
Something went wrong and their car ended up going under a semi truck at 60mph.
Her boyfriend was killed and she is in critical condition. She broke bones in her face and has two fractures in her back and spine. They had to remove her spleen and they can't stop her sinus' from filling up with blood. She also has some swelling in her brain.
So keep her in your prayers. It's just one thing after another lately. |
|
|
| worst thing |
[Apr. 25th, 2008|05:37 pm] |
so as it turns out there IS something worse than hating the person you used to love.
that is, realizing that even after all of the lies, the bullshit, and the betrayal you don't hate them at all.
going out tonight and praying to the lord that i don't run into luke especially if he's with his girlfriend.
he's moving to chicago soon. i wont see him or hear from him but i'll know that he's there with his girlfriend. that they are doing all of the things that we did together. all of the best memories i have with him, he will replace with new memories he makes with her.
her.
i thought i was mature until i realized that when i say "her" or "amanda" i say it with a sneer and hint of disdain in my voice. i've never met her but i feelings of hatred towards her that are stronger than i have felt towards anyone that has actually hurt me on purpose.
i think that i hate her because it keeps me from hating the person i should, luke.
this is bullshit. how in the hell did a strong empowered women go from the top of her game to moping around feeling hollow inside in 3 short years.
im never loving anyone again. fuck love and fuck luke. |
|
|
| haha irony you are a silly bitch |
[Mar. 26th, 2008|11:43 pm] |
| [ | *Rad Jams* |
| | nothing falls like london rain, nothing heals me like you do | ] |
"i guess essentially im afraid of hurting someone...
i mean my past relationships haven't been anything more than like 3 months or so because i find someone else or i get bored or i get scared
and i realize that now and i dont want to do that to him
please dont let me hurt this one... please."
i wrote that in this very journal a few weeks after i met luke back in 2004.
HA HA HA
go fucking figure.
Anyway I was reading all of my entries from the summer before i moved here. it was amazing to just go through all of those memories and just relive how happy and carefree it was. i had the most amazing time and met the most amazing people (amazing... there did i say it enough?) and i just need to get back into that mind frame. i need to forget about luke. let it go. let him go. and just move the fuck on.
ahh it's so late and i have to work in the morning. i haven't been able to fall asleep lately. i have so much on my mind and so much that i want to do. i just dont want to wait until i graduate. i want to write. i want my stuff to be seen. read. understood. i want to go places. i want to LIVE.
i've been reading Into the Wild lately.
Chris McCandless was amazing.
Half of the time he's infuriating. he just lived with such reckless abandon that he was taunting death at every turn. it finally caught up with him but- my god what an adventure!
i'm planning a few trips. one to africa (which cant happen until 2010 because i dont have money yet and thats the first opening the program has). and i now want to go to alaska and do the trail that Chris did. i want to see the bus!!!! i want to see his writing. i want to breath that air.
when i told my mom, she said
"Why would you want to go that far to visit a place where someone died?"
To which I simply responded
"I'm not going there to see where he died. I'm going to see where he lived." |
|
|
| waste of time |
[Mar. 10th, 2008|02:02 pm] |
for the last year and a half he's been saying:
"I like us the way we are. Why do we have to define it for other people? I don't want to be in a
'relationship' and when I do there is no one I would want to be with but you."
right up until we stopped talking a month ago that's all I heard.
Yesterday he facebooked her as his girlfriend.
I guess it was just me that he didn't want, not the relationship. |
|
|
| tragic |
[Mar. 8th, 2008|09:38 am] |
it's to the point where i would erase our entire 3.5 year relationship, even the wonderful times, if i meant i wouldn't have to feel the way i feel right now.
he has a new girlfriend. he won't talk to me. he's erased me from his life with no hesitation.
People keep asking me "aren't you over him yet??" NO. It's been a month since we stopped talking. A month. I still love him. It kills me to see that he his happy with someone else. That she gets him and I feel like our relationship taught him how to be a better boyfriend... and she gets to reap the benefits.
I guess I just never thought he would move on. I hoped at least. I still feel like he's the one I'm supposed to end up with.
The worst part is that I can't get away from him or his fucking relationship. I get left out when my friends go out because he's there. I see his car driving around and can only wonder if she's in the passenger seat.... my seat. He drove to New jersey and back 3 times to see me in that car. Today he is driving to the East side of the state... my side of the state... to see her.
I feel like i just need to leave this fucking town. If it wasn't for my job I would be out of here next week. There isn't anything here for me.
Just good memories that make me feel bad. |
|
|
| |
[Feb. 28th, 2008|10:26 pm] |
i miss luke
a lot. |
|
|
| i did it |
[Feb. 23rd, 2008|09:15 pm] |
I confronted him.
I told im everything that happened since he said he didnt remember.
I told him i dont forgive him and i dont know that i will ever be able to.
I said all of things i've been wanting to say for 3 weeks.
I was anticipating a weight of some sort being lifted off of my shoulders.
But i dont feel any better.
Not at all.
and heres a little cherry on the top of my sundae... luke has a new girlfriend.
Jeezus i need to get the hell out of this black hole town.
Fuck. |
|
|
| uhh what the fuck |
[Feb. 20th, 2008|06:41 pm] |
he apologized for hitting me.
not for anything else that he did.
i didnt even know he had hit me.
i dont remember most of the night due to my drink being drugged and all that wonderful stuff. i guess thats one of the awesome moments i forgot.
awesome.
fucking awesome.
i said: "you did more than just that. i'm not ready to talk to you" |
|
|
| sometimes |
[Feb. 18th, 2008|10:32 pm] |
sometimes i catch myself remembering the way it used to be
sometimes i think about the time you took me to the airport and cried. sometimes it makes me cry.
sometimes i miss you so much i think i might stop breathing.
sometimes the thought of you makes me so angry i want to scream.
sometimes you take risks and end up on top. sometimes you end up with your heart broken.
sometimes i think we will still end up together. sometimes i get jealous when i think about you with someone else.
sometimes i think its better that we just sever all ties.
sometimes no matter how many times you hear something it means just as much as the first time... like when you said 'i love you'.
sometimes you say something so many times that it looses all meaning...
like when i hear you say 'i'm sorry' or 'i'll make it up to you'. |
|
|
![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
courtnerin's journal